The following is a real-life exchange with fictional details that took place across several text messages (obvs.):
Me: To Whom It May Concern, You have been listed as a reference in my application for a volunteer position at the YMCA. Please talk me up. Example: “He works well with others, is a self-starter and excels at breaking the law”.
Kevin Fucking Miller: “He really loves children… so much that I frequently see him touching and kissing them… even kids he doesn’t know!”
Me: “The only thing he has ever been truly guilty of is loving children”.
KFM: “While it’s often been unfairly labeled as ‘elder rape’, you gladly step in to give our community seniors that extra physical affection they desperately need”.
Me: You win.