The following is a real-life exchange with fictional details that took place across several text messages (obvs.):

Me: To Whom It May Concern, You have been listed as a reference in my application for a volunteer position at the YMCA.  Please talk me up.  Example: “He works well with others, is a self-starter and excels at breaking the law”.

Kevin Fucking Miller: “He really loves children… so much that I frequently see him touching and kissing them… even kids he doesn’t know!”

Me: “The only thing he has ever been truly guilty of is loving children”.

KFM: “While it’s often been unfairly labeled as ‘elder rape’, you gladly step in to give our community seniors that extra physical affection they desperately need”.

Me: You win.

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